I brought you some wine, forgive me?

I thought I was gonna come on here and explain why there's a huge fraggin gap in my posts, explain reasons for why I "am so busy", and apologized.. but then I realized you're not here for that. If you really wanna go read someone's long post about being sorry for no content, just google the word "blog" (or webcomic actually..) I assure you at least 93.6% of them will have that exact post you're looking for. Just replace their name with mine and you'll have the same feeling I: (I like how I mention how I'm not going to do that then immediately do that just by explaining how I'm not going to.)

So this post isn't entirely wasted;
Tips for wooing your lady:
Chocolate: Yummy! Turns your insides into concentrated happiness.. May result in love and kisses (☑).
Wine: Relaxing and good for the heart. May result in love and kisses (☑)
Chocolate wine? Definitely will result in Gastrointestinal stress and mild to sever cursing (☒).
asfsa

Government warning: May result in early termination of chances of you getting laid...ever.

I didn't take a sip of the thing xD but someone who drank it said it tasted fine so take this fairly lightly.

Best Day Ever

(This is a long one, sorry in advance x:!)

The other day I ended up working with a family friend. Out of nowhere he drops by our house and goes,

"HEY! You wanna make money?"
I'm easily sucked into these too-good-to-be-true situations. Like with the shamwow, heck YES I wanna be able to absorb 50 types of liquids and 3 different kinds of solids.  Anyways, obviously I do, so I agree.

I've worked with him before, it's always been great. I get to see the insides of amazing mansions with top of the line air conditioning in the middle of summer. It's like being a robber, only with less shanking and jail...and jail shanking. Plus, he never really makes me do much. The most stressful situations involve me not knowing which screwdriver is which.

So my mother ends up coming with us, she and I are taking the van which he has packed with ridiculously heavy boxes. This should have set off some alarms, however, he was smart enough to pop in at god-awful-o'clock to ensure that my mind was thoroughly incapable of properly judging the situation.

We follow him for about 20 minutes when he decides he's running late and speeds off ahead of us. This would be fine, except our car is so packed with junk that it's barely putt-putting along...plus he never told us where the hell we were going. This should have been sign #2 that this was going to be the best day ever.

We drive along aimlessly for a bit before we finally spot him. He was stopped in the middle of the road by an orange-vested construction worker of justice. The kind of guy who takes his job way too seriously, who is always joined by a guy who doesn't take his job seriously enough? So SeriousMan (he's part superhero by the way) calls his buddy on his little walkie talkie to get permission for us to pass through using all kinds of magical codewords like "vicinity" and "safe". This was sign #3 that this was going to be the Best Day Ever. He lets us pass through only for our questions about what hold up was to be immediately answered.

This was taken on the way back, so they had already started to shave the rock down.

A frigging boulder had fallen in the middle of the road. Fffantastic.

Slightly horrifying, but everything will be fine, right? I mean how often do boulders fall, let alone large ones. Plus it's not like giant boulders are really that common.

:|

I stand corrected.

Finally after a century long, vomit-inducing, winding car ride, we arrive at this magnificent house... in the middle of nowhere. The second I opened that door the heat wave exploded into the nicely air conditioned van. It was like opening an oven door mixed with a really pissed off heat-genie who repeatedly smacked me upside the head with the reminder "IT'S FRIGGIN HOT."

Also, by the middle of nowhere, I mean.. the next town over is all the way at the bottom of a mountain ridge.

I'm talking, get away with murder distances. This was their nearest neighbor.

Yeah, that thing that looks like a rock waaaay in the back? Well.. that's actually a rock..but behind that rock, that square thing? If you kinda squint..? That's their neighbor.

Our friend tells me to unload the truck while he and my mother talk to the home owner. I ask him where to put it, and he tells me to set them up around the house.. around.. the house? This means we're working in 9 billion and 3 degree weather? All day? AND I get to lug boxes around to the very back of the house next to the canyon of death? Can you say best day ever, sign #4?

At first I was all proud of my amazing lifting skills. These boxes were anywhere between 10-25 pounds depending on the size, and I was lifting them with ease, as well as carrying them long distances.

This should have been a dead give away that the heat had induced super-human adrenaline strength because my body literally thought it was dying and needed the extra oomph to escape this wasteland. My first mistake was being proud of my string-bean arms. I cannot lift anything for the life of me. I ended up wasting my new, and very temporary, she-hunk powers by showing off.

The first few boxes were fine, however.. by the 26th well.. It went a little something like this.

My arms were sore, the heat had fried my brain, and I'm pretty sure my sweat was on fire...but I was finally finished..

Our family friend comes over to me, at this point in time I'm assuming to congratulate me on my amazing super-human skills. He pats me on the back and goes,
"So! You ready to start working?"
S.. st... start?
Best Day Ever sign #5.

The rest of the day I end up lugging an seven foot ladder around the house with my five foot self, holding the light fixtures (which again, are between 10-25 pounds each depending on the light. 15-30 for the old light fixtures) till he takes them down, then carry them down the old fixture, bring up the new one, hold the new one in place for 5 minutes with my dead-noodle-arms, and then move to the next spot.

As an added bonus, I found this in their yard next to where we were setting up one of the lights;

I'm going to eat your entire family in their sleep c:

He kept doing this thing with his legs where he would group them together to make a sort of X, so at first I had no idea he was a spider and just thought he was some sort of freakish flower.. only for him to spazz when the ladder almost touched him.

#6,

It was like he was trying to trick us by losing legs.

":D I no spider, silly. I has 4 legs. Spider has 8! Come, let me hug you with my teeth."

So now I'm hot, tired, and absolutely horrified that Mr. Spider is gonna bite me with his acid teeth and turn my insides into outsides.

At this point I'm standing on the top step of the ladder, when I feel something.. tickling the back of my neck.

First thought that passes through my head; The nearest hospital is way past the outer edges of the nearest town. 

Those little tiny specks of light off into the distance? That's the very edge of town. Now the hospital? Yeah, that's on the other edge. 

Ffffantastic. 

Luckily the thing on my neck just happened to be a bead of sweat. However, every time my own hair brushed against me or I sweat a bit, I would have a mini panic attack on the ladder and start babbling about death and doom. I also had a case of phantom spider symptom, i.e. nothing was even touching me yet for some reason I could feel them. 

Mr. Spider didn't come alone though. He had a miniture friend who was equally scary regarldess of his small stature. Though what he lacked in size he made up for in hairiness.

Yeah, he's destroying a beetle. What of it? You wanna be next?

Halfway through our 11 hour workday, we stopped by to get a quick snack in cliche diner with the waitress who calls anyone and everyone "sweetheart, sugar, honey, dumpling." I had hoped it would get my mind off of Mr. Spider and Spider McGee

Their menu did the trick.

The thing that concerns me the worst is.. how can a human being possibly consume something that salty in that kind of heat?

We went back to the house, and ended it off on a great note.

A Mr. Spider-y note.

Mr. Spider managed to catch a bee and ate it. He ate another one of human's nemeses. I can only assume he did this to absorb his power. That's probably why he was yellow, black, and white himself. I have discovered a bee-spider. A spee, a beider. 

WHY WOULD YOU EVER WILLINGLY LIVE HERE?!

Legit Cookies

I'm an amazing cook. Truly I am.

I'm considering creating a cookbook so that everyone can enjoy my unique flavors. However, I'm willing to leak a few of my recipes at a time here, only because I love you.

I used to make this thing which I called "toaster cookies." I think I named it this because I put cookie dough.. well.. in a toaster. However, recently I have stepped up to legit cookies.

To make legit cookies you'll need some pre-packaged cookies, Pillsbury, Nestle, anything made in a large factory with absolutely no love and stuffed to the brim with preservatives.

Smush all the cookies together into a cookie blob, making sure not to evenly space them.

It should look something like this;

Then turn the oven on to fiery wrath-o-god heat levels. Shove the tray in and walk away to do something else. Make sure that you are thoroughly distracted, have something blaring loudly so you can ignore that annoying oven beep.

After a few hours remember you were making cookies and walk in your kitchen.

 
If you kitchen looks something like this, you're doing it right.

By the end of the process, your cookies should have a nice, ebony crust, and be undercooked unevenly at random intervals.

Enjoy your cookies.

Florida Groceries Part 1

Really? The giant pictures of a dog on the packaging and the name were somewhat misleading.

Stupid Fears

I have many irrational fears, one of which is that I'm terrified of the credit card machine at the gas pump, so much so that I will literally make up things to buy in the actual store-thing just so I don't have to deal with it..but that's beside the point.

As a child I was always terrified of the doctors. Probably because when I got my first shots, I had come in crying. The doctor's idea of consoling me was to say "Okay, we won't do them" only to stab me in the arm the second I looked away. Totally a great way to create a strong bond of trust between you and your patient.

I was certain that they had some sort of hidden agenda, probably murderape, maybe with a side of blood-drinking to rejuvenate their life -force. Or maybe collect all your blood and use it to paint their library a nice crimson to match the new rug Barbara sent from Italy.

I had always thought this fear was irrational.. until I found this;

Stealth edition? Try explaining that one to me, huh? You can't. This has just further cemented my fear that doctors are secretly hiding behind every corner waiting to pounce and harvest my organs. Why else would a doctor need to be stealthy?

Why do you think you have to wait so long in the office? 'Cause there busy scoping out how to most efficiently murder you.

I'm glad I could open your eyes to this conspiracy. Have fun sleeping tonight.

Shanking knife

I went to my friends house the other day. She doesn't live in a bad neighborhood or anything like that, but she lives alone and is slightly paranoid. I found this on her table;

Yeah, that's a makeshift shank. I don't even understand why she decided having a chunk of glass as a shank would be a good idea. You'd cut yourself trying to stab any assailants.

I think if anything she's using it to defend herself from monsters more-so than rapists or murderers. Which is stupid because everyone knows monsters are immune to shanking I:

So for her birthday I'm considering going into the market for a proper shank. Perhaps I'll head by Dora's place and check out her selection.

Tracy Tree

This is Tracy Tree;

Image (c) Waffle Whiffer on Flickr

Tracy Tree is an Animatronic tree in a restaurant called the Rainforest Cafe. However, this wouldn't be my blog if we just ended it off here. Oh no, that'd be too normal for the Rapery. This particular Tracy is from Galveston, Texas (according to Waffle Whiffer, the photographer of this Tracy).

My Tracy Tree was encountered in Las Vegas.

:| Y...eah.

Rapery and Ifts

So you're probably wondering what the namesake of this blog is. Well.. on a trip to Downtown Disney World (the free shopping center half of Disney) I found this magnificent store.

Yeah, you're never gonna un-see it.

|: Are you still reading it as "Rapery"?

If you ever head over there, please send me the pics.

Carpet

We ended up staying in a different motel after we got to Orlando. I honestly.. I don't even know how to explain half of what happened when we got there.

So we get to our room and it doesn't look too bad, except for the old-man-stink curtains.  We lug our bags into the room and discover this;

The second offender is on the far right (slightly lighter burn)

Okay, first I'd like to explain that the motel may have been pretty dismal but it did provide an ironing board so I'm not entirely sure how this happened.

You're watching TV and get distracted and just.. accidentally drop an iron on the floor? Then leave it there for roughly a minute? Okay, I guess I can give you that..but TWICE? How do you go "Whoops! Dropped the iron..guess I should pick that thing up.. Uhm.. Okay, yeah, let's go do that now." only to repeat the event TWICE?

Did you not recognize the stench of burning carpeting?

Were you just really pissed off at the carpet and wanted to teach it a lesson?

The world will never know.

After giving up on trying to figure out what happened to our carpet, I decided to wander around and see what this new city had to offer entertainment-wise. We went to one of the souvenir stores in the surrounding area. Walked by the cashier and saw;

Which would seem perfectly normal except for the fact that it was located directly next to this;

Ffffantastic.

Wisdom teeth.

Wisdom tooth, what the hell is wrong with you? You know damn well my mouth is at capacity. You can see the other teeth chillin' up in my mouth all content with their lives then you come along and derp your way in.

I have enough lumps of bone in my face to smash up food with, thank you very much.

Stripper McGee

All my old pictures are sorta scattered about, so bare with me for the chronologically incorrect posts.

On our way to Florida we made a stop in Las Vegas. We only stayed there briefly, yet somehow I managed to snag a (blurry) picture of their airport. Heaven forbid we have to wait a whole two-second drive to the strip before we can lose all our money.

Greed and Envy are kinda the same sin, why are they counted twice?

Prior to that my family has had a lot of experiences with Vegas. We went up there for my birthday a while back, we found a man with a lovely set of knockers.

True to it's name, the City of Sin did not disappoint. So far we've got Greed/Envy, Lust.. let's see if we can get the full experience, shall we?

Aladdin, an old hotel in Vegas, was recently bought out and replaced. It was a Middle-easternish theme and was absolutely wonderful. Vast ceilings painted as the sky, a magnificent bazaar market, belly dancers contorting and twisting, and a generally pleasant atmosphere.

However, after it was bought out, it was replaced with something a bit more whorewholesome

One of these things is not like the others! ♪

Since we already have Lust I'm gonna chalk this one to American Pride instead (maybe even sloth for being too lazy to tear down the OLD design before throwing in Stripper McGee).

Then we have giant bear-cub sized gummy bears. As if gummy bears weren't bad enough for you, now you can eat one the size of your liver..which has probably shriveled up since you arrived in Vegas.

It's like a Teddy-bear with a Diabetes-inducing bonus!

I don't really have a picture for wrath but.. I do have.. uhh...QUICKLY, throw up a picture and flee before they catch on!

Hey baby, are you by any chance into old man crotch-shots?

(u mad?)

Day one

We finally get to our room. In southern California, weather is illegal; It is pleasantly warm and sunny at all times.. So waking up to pounding, ear shattering wads of water falling from the sky had thoroughly convinced me that this particular motel room had done something to anger the gods.

WHAT ARE YOUUUUU?

 After the angry sky-water had passed, my family and I drove around for a while to get our barrings. See where the grocery store was, and what not. However, to further promote my angry gods theory, we saw this museum;

Obviously the only rational explanation is that a colossal being was displeased :I ate all the museum-goers inside like a box of raisinets, and threw it back down when he was finished.

Not too long after that I found a shark in a random pond. Not a real shark mind you.. just the fin. I'm not entirely sure what it's purpose was, but I think it was implemented in order to scare off kids who would jump in. If anything it made me more eager.

Pond shark just wants to be loved D:

To completely shatter my fragile psyche..we found this "hotel". What is this.. I don't even..

Classy

Moving.

My first impression of Florida was that the entire state was devised solely to make my life slightly more ridiculous than it already was. My sister moved to Florida many years ago, and kept telling us how absolutely fantastic it was. 
"The sea is made from liquid joy, the sand is actually tiny rainbow sprinkles" she would say, "It's a giant foot massage in state-form"...well.. more or less. I might be paraphrasing slightly.

I ended up going there for college, only to find my experience somewhat lacking compared to my sibling's. I had never moved outside of  my hometown, so what may be normal for the average person was entirely shocking to me. The experience started when I was on the plane. I had stupidly failed to plan anything enjoyable for the plane ride there, a roughly 8 hour ride in our case, so I decided to fumble with the goodies in the seat in front of me.

Flipping to a random page in the first magazine I got my hands on I found what I could only describe as.. some sort of cell-phone carrying device for a feminine version of spiderman.

 Passing up on the offer for spiderwoman's accessory slot, I reached for the next magazine hoping it would bring me with something slightly more tolerable.

Advertisement, advertisement, nope, ah-hah! Article! Just my luck the article would happen to be a horoscope...which I almost entirely don't believe in. To make it even more fantastic it was a sandwich horoscope.

As if the concept of generalizing people based on time of birth wasn't ridiculous enough, they decided to up the ante by grouping us based on what kinda of sandwiches we like. At first I thought it was some sort of joke but it honestly looked like they were taking my preference in condiments seriously. 

Okay..yeah.. no more magazines for a while.

Finally we get off the plane at god-awful o'clock. Our plane has been delayed so many times that by the time we get off the entire terminal is empty.

Now by empty I don't mean, ohh not a lot of people around. A little quiet. No, I mean soul crushingly, is-it-illegal-to-be-in-here-are-we-trespassing levels of empty. Even the people from our own plane seemed to vanish. 

And thus begins the adventures of the Rapery!

Please be more awkward, thanks.

Hi, I'm gonna show you shit that I take pictures of now |:

Be forwarned, none of them are particularly interesting.

Kay, love you, byebye.