Legit Cookies

I'm an amazing cook. Truly I am.

I'm considering creating a cookbook so that everyone can enjoy my unique flavors. However, I'm willing to leak a few of my recipes at a time here, only because I love you.

I used to make this thing which I called "toaster cookies." I think I named it this because I put cookie dough.. well.. in a toaster. However, recently I have stepped up to legit cookies.

To make legit cookies you'll need some pre-packaged cookies, Pillsbury, Nestle, anything made in a large factory with absolutely no love and stuffed to the brim with preservatives.

Smush all the cookies together into a cookie blob, making sure not to evenly space them.

It should look something like this;

Then turn the oven on to fiery wrath-o-god heat levels. Shove the tray in and walk away to do something else. Make sure that you are thoroughly distracted, have something blaring loudly so you can ignore that annoying oven beep.

After a few hours remember you were making cookies and walk in your kitchen.

 
If you kitchen looks something like this, you're doing it right.

By the end of the process, your cookies should have a nice, ebony crust, and be undercooked unevenly at random intervals.

Enjoy your cookies.

Florida Groceries Part 1

Really? The giant pictures of a dog on the packaging and the name were somewhat misleading.

Stupid Fears

I have many irrational fears, one of which is that I'm terrified of the credit card machine at the gas pump, so much so that I will literally make up things to buy in the actual store-thing just so I don't have to deal with it..but that's beside the point.

As a child I was always terrified of the doctors. Probably because when I got my first shots, I had come in crying. The doctor's idea of consoling me was to say "Okay, we won't do them" only to stab me in the arm the second I looked away. Totally a great way to create a strong bond of trust between you and your patient.

I was certain that they had some sort of hidden agenda, probably murderape, maybe with a side of blood-drinking to rejuvenate their life -force. Or maybe collect all your blood and use it to paint their library a nice crimson to match the new rug Barbara sent from Italy.

I had always thought this fear was irrational.. until I found this;

Stealth edition? Try explaining that one to me, huh? You can't. This has just further cemented my fear that doctors are secretly hiding behind every corner waiting to pounce and harvest my organs. Why else would a doctor need to be stealthy?

Why do you think you have to wait so long in the office? 'Cause there busy scoping out how to most efficiently murder you.

I'm glad I could open your eyes to this conspiracy. Have fun sleeping tonight.

Shanking knife

I went to my friends house the other day. She doesn't live in a bad neighborhood or anything like that, but she lives alone and is slightly paranoid. I found this on her table;

Yeah, that's a makeshift shank. I don't even understand why she decided having a chunk of glass as a shank would be a good idea. You'd cut yourself trying to stab any assailants.

I think if anything she's using it to defend herself from monsters more-so than rapists or murderers. Which is stupid because everyone knows monsters are immune to shanking I:

So for her birthday I'm considering going into the market for a proper shank. Perhaps I'll head by Dora's place and check out her selection.

Tracy Tree

This is Tracy Tree;

Image (c) Waffle Whiffer on Flickr

Tracy Tree is an Animatronic tree in a restaurant called the Rainforest Cafe. However, this wouldn't be my blog if we just ended it off here. Oh no, that'd be too normal for the Rapery. This particular Tracy is from Galveston, Texas (according to Waffle Whiffer, the photographer of this Tracy).

My Tracy Tree was encountered in Las Vegas.

:| Y...eah.

Rapery and Ifts

So you're probably wondering what the namesake of this blog is. Well.. on a trip to Downtown Disney World (the free shopping center half of Disney) I found this magnificent store.

Yeah, you're never gonna un-see it.

|: Are you still reading it as "Rapery"?

If you ever head over there, please send me the pics.

Carpet

We ended up staying in a different motel after we got to Orlando. I honestly.. I don't even know how to explain half of what happened when we got there.

So we get to our room and it doesn't look too bad, except for the old-man-stink curtains.  We lug our bags into the room and discover this;

The second offender is on the far right (slightly lighter burn)

Okay, first I'd like to explain that the motel may have been pretty dismal but it did provide an ironing board so I'm not entirely sure how this happened.

You're watching TV and get distracted and just.. accidentally drop an iron on the floor? Then leave it there for roughly a minute? Okay, I guess I can give you that..but TWICE? How do you go "Whoops! Dropped the iron..guess I should pick that thing up.. Uhm.. Okay, yeah, let's go do that now." only to repeat the event TWICE?

Did you not recognize the stench of burning carpeting?

Were you just really pissed off at the carpet and wanted to teach it a lesson?

The world will never know.

After giving up on trying to figure out what happened to our carpet, I decided to wander around and see what this new city had to offer entertainment-wise. We went to one of the souvenir stores in the surrounding area. Walked by the cashier and saw;

Which would seem perfectly normal except for the fact that it was located directly next to this;

Ffffantastic.

Wisdom teeth.

Wisdom tooth, what the hell is wrong with you? You know damn well my mouth is at capacity. You can see the other teeth chillin' up in my mouth all content with their lives then you come along and derp your way in.

I have enough lumps of bone in my face to smash up food with, thank you very much.

Stripper McGee

All my old pictures are sorta scattered about, so bare with me for the chronologically incorrect posts.

On our way to Florida we made a stop in Las Vegas. We only stayed there briefly, yet somehow I managed to snag a (blurry) picture of their airport. Heaven forbid we have to wait a whole two-second drive to the strip before we can lose all our money.

Greed and Envy are kinda the same sin, why are they counted twice?

Prior to that my family has had a lot of experiences with Vegas. We went up there for my birthday a while back, we found a man with a lovely set of knockers.

True to it's name, the City of Sin did not disappoint. So far we've got Greed/Envy, Lust.. let's see if we can get the full experience, shall we?

Aladdin, an old hotel in Vegas, was recently bought out and replaced. It was a Middle-easternish theme and was absolutely wonderful. Vast ceilings painted as the sky, a magnificent bazaar market, belly dancers contorting and twisting, and a generally pleasant atmosphere.

However, after it was bought out, it was replaced with something a bit more whorewholesome

One of these things is not like the others! ♪

Since we already have Lust I'm gonna chalk this one to American Pride instead (maybe even sloth for being too lazy to tear down the OLD design before throwing in Stripper McGee).

Then we have giant bear-cub sized gummy bears. As if gummy bears weren't bad enough for you, now you can eat one the size of your liver..which has probably shriveled up since you arrived in Vegas.

It's like a Teddy-bear with a Diabetes-inducing bonus!

I don't really have a picture for wrath but.. I do have.. uhh...QUICKLY, throw up a picture and flee before they catch on!

Hey baby, are you by any chance into old man crotch-shots?

(u mad?)

Day one

We finally get to our room. In southern California, weather is illegal; It is pleasantly warm and sunny at all times.. So waking up to pounding, ear shattering wads of water falling from the sky had thoroughly convinced me that this particular motel room had done something to anger the gods.

WHAT ARE YOUUUUU?

 After the angry sky-water had passed, my family and I drove around for a while to get our barrings. See where the grocery store was, and what not. However, to further promote my angry gods theory, we saw this museum;

Obviously the only rational explanation is that a colossal being was displeased :I ate all the museum-goers inside like a box of raisinets, and threw it back down when he was finished.

Not too long after that I found a shark in a random pond. Not a real shark mind you.. just the fin. I'm not entirely sure what it's purpose was, but I think it was implemented in order to scare off kids who would jump in. If anything it made me more eager.

Pond shark just wants to be loved D:

To completely shatter my fragile psyche..we found this "hotel". What is this.. I don't even..

Classy

Moving.

My first impression of Florida was that the entire state was devised solely to make my life slightly more ridiculous than it already was. My sister moved to Florida many years ago, and kept telling us how absolutely fantastic it was. 
"The sea is made from liquid joy, the sand is actually tiny rainbow sprinkles" she would say, "It's a giant foot massage in state-form"...well.. more or less. I might be paraphrasing slightly.

I ended up going there for college, only to find my experience somewhat lacking compared to my sibling's. I had never moved outside of  my hometown, so what may be normal for the average person was entirely shocking to me. The experience started when I was on the plane. I had stupidly failed to plan anything enjoyable for the plane ride there, a roughly 8 hour ride in our case, so I decided to fumble with the goodies in the seat in front of me.

Flipping to a random page in the first magazine I got my hands on I found what I could only describe as.. some sort of cell-phone carrying device for a feminine version of spiderman.

 Passing up on the offer for spiderwoman's accessory slot, I reached for the next magazine hoping it would bring me with something slightly more tolerable.

Advertisement, advertisement, nope, ah-hah! Article! Just my luck the article would happen to be a horoscope...which I almost entirely don't believe in. To make it even more fantastic it was a sandwich horoscope.

As if the concept of generalizing people based on time of birth wasn't ridiculous enough, they decided to up the ante by grouping us based on what kinda of sandwiches we like. At first I thought it was some sort of joke but it honestly looked like they were taking my preference in condiments seriously. 

Okay..yeah.. no more magazines for a while.

Finally we get off the plane at god-awful o'clock. Our plane has been delayed so many times that by the time we get off the entire terminal is empty.

Now by empty I don't mean, ohh not a lot of people around. A little quiet. No, I mean soul crushingly, is-it-illegal-to-be-in-here-are-we-trespassing levels of empty. Even the people from our own plane seemed to vanish. 

And thus begins the adventures of the Rapery!

Please be more awkward, thanks.

Hi, I'm gonna show you shit that I take pictures of now |:

Be forwarned, none of them are particularly interesting.

Kay, love you, byebye.