German pasta sounds way more fun.

Maybe those hetalia shippers were on to something... Germany x Italy doesn't sound so bad after all.

I feel like using vodka sauce on this would be kind of inappropriate...

.

Halloween last year, I decorated our place in a sort of.. half-assed thrifty way.

Yeah, that's a paper plate.. a HAUNTED paper plate.

Only we got complaints that the doorbell was too frightening for the little children in our neighborhood... 

This was my solution.

He's not scary, he's just... inquisitive.

Tips for Valentines Day

So you wanna woo your lady this valentines day? (Sorry, if you're trying to woo your man this season tough nuts, because I haven't the slightest clue myself either.)

Well look at these marvelous gifts available at a grocery store near you ;D!

This gives you an excuse to finally use the line, "I wanna put my hot valentines meat inside of you tonight"

Because nothing says "I love you" more than cheap slabs of dead animals in anatomically incorrect organ shapes <3! Every girl's DREAM! What a romantic you are.

Why did that last slab of steak have a stab wound?

It comes in seafood versions too, so you can finally ask her if she's interested in porn. That way you have an out when she gets offended. Just say you meant "Prawn"!

I brought you some wine, forgive me?

I thought I was gonna come on here and explain why there's a huge fraggin gap in my posts, explain reasons for why I "am so busy", and apologized.. but then I realized you're not here for that. If you really wanna go read someone's long post about being sorry for no content, just google the word "blog" (or webcomic actually..) I assure you at least 93.6% of them will have that exact post you're looking for. Just replace their name with mine and you'll have the same feeling I: (I like how I mention how I'm not going to do that then immediately do that just by explaining how I'm not going to.)

So this post isn't entirely wasted;
Tips for wooing your lady:
Chocolate: Yummy! Turns your insides into concentrated happiness.. May result in love and kisses (☑).
Wine: Relaxing and good for the heart. May result in love and kisses (☑)
Chocolate wine? Definitely will result in Gastrointestinal stress and mild to sever cursing (☒).
asfsa

Government warning: May result in early termination of chances of you getting laid...ever.

I didn't take a sip of the thing xD but someone who drank it said it tasted fine so take this fairly lightly.

Best Day Ever

(This is a long one, sorry in advance x:!)

The other day I ended up working with a family friend. Out of nowhere he drops by our house and goes,

"HEY! You wanna make money?"
I'm easily sucked into these too-good-to-be-true situations. Like with the shamwow, heck YES I wanna be able to absorb 50 types of liquids and 3 different kinds of solids.  Anyways, obviously I do, so I agree.

I've worked with him before, it's always been great. I get to see the insides of amazing mansions with top of the line air conditioning in the middle of summer. It's like being a robber, only with less shanking and jail...and jail shanking. Plus, he never really makes me do much. The most stressful situations involve me not knowing which screwdriver is which.

So my mother ends up coming with us, she and I are taking the van which he has packed with ridiculously heavy boxes. This should have set off some alarms, however, he was smart enough to pop in at god-awful-o'clock to ensure that my mind was thoroughly incapable of properly judging the situation.

We follow him for about 20 minutes when he decides he's running late and speeds off ahead of us. This would be fine, except our car is so packed with junk that it's barely putt-putting along...plus he never told us where the hell we were going. This should have been sign #2 that this was going to be the best day ever.

We drive along aimlessly for a bit before we finally spot him. He was stopped in the middle of the road by an orange-vested construction worker of justice. The kind of guy who takes his job way too seriously, who is always joined by a guy who doesn't take his job seriously enough? So SeriousMan (he's part superhero by the way) calls his buddy on his little walkie talkie to get permission for us to pass through using all kinds of magical codewords like "vicinity" and "safe". This was sign #3 that this was going to be the Best Day Ever. He lets us pass through only for our questions about what hold up was to be immediately answered.

This was taken on the way back, so they had already started to shave the rock down.

A frigging boulder had fallen in the middle of the road. Fffantastic.

Slightly horrifying, but everything will be fine, right? I mean how often do boulders fall, let alone large ones. Plus it's not like giant boulders are really that common.

:|

I stand corrected.

Finally after a century long, vomit-inducing, winding car ride, we arrive at this magnificent house... in the middle of nowhere. The second I opened that door the heat wave exploded into the nicely air conditioned van. It was like opening an oven door mixed with a really pissed off heat-genie who repeatedly smacked me upside the head with the reminder "IT'S FRIGGIN HOT."

Also, by the middle of nowhere, I mean.. the next town over is all the way at the bottom of a mountain ridge.

I'm talking, get away with murder distances. This was their nearest neighbor.

Yeah, that thing that looks like a rock waaaay in the back? Well.. that's actually a rock..but behind that rock, that square thing? If you kinda squint..? That's their neighbor.

Our friend tells me to unload the truck while he and my mother talk to the home owner. I ask him where to put it, and he tells me to set them up around the house.. around.. the house? This means we're working in 9 billion and 3 degree weather? All day? AND I get to lug boxes around to the very back of the house next to the canyon of death? Can you say best day ever, sign #4?

At first I was all proud of my amazing lifting skills. These boxes were anywhere between 10-25 pounds depending on the size, and I was lifting them with ease, as well as carrying them long distances.

This should have been a dead give away that the heat had induced super-human adrenaline strength because my body literally thought it was dying and needed the extra oomph to escape this wasteland. My first mistake was being proud of my string-bean arms. I cannot lift anything for the life of me. I ended up wasting my new, and very temporary, she-hunk powers by showing off.

The first few boxes were fine, however.. by the 26th well.. It went a little something like this.

My arms were sore, the heat had fried my brain, and I'm pretty sure my sweat was on fire...but I was finally finished..

Our family friend comes over to me, at this point in time I'm assuming to congratulate me on my amazing super-human skills. He pats me on the back and goes,
"So! You ready to start working?"
S.. st... start?
Best Day Ever sign #5.

The rest of the day I end up lugging an seven foot ladder around the house with my five foot self, holding the light fixtures (which again, are between 10-25 pounds each depending on the light. 15-30 for the old light fixtures) till he takes them down, then carry them down the old fixture, bring up the new one, hold the new one in place for 5 minutes with my dead-noodle-arms, and then move to the next spot.

As an added bonus, I found this in their yard next to where we were setting up one of the lights;

I'm going to eat your entire family in their sleep c:

He kept doing this thing with his legs where he would group them together to make a sort of X, so at first I had no idea he was a spider and just thought he was some sort of freakish flower.. only for him to spazz when the ladder almost touched him.

#6,

It was like he was trying to trick us by losing legs.

":D I no spider, silly. I has 4 legs. Spider has 8! Come, let me hug you with my teeth."

So now I'm hot, tired, and absolutely horrified that Mr. Spider is gonna bite me with his acid teeth and turn my insides into outsides.

At this point I'm standing on the top step of the ladder, when I feel something.. tickling the back of my neck.

First thought that passes through my head; The nearest hospital is way past the outer edges of the nearest town. 

Those little tiny specks of light off into the distance? That's the very edge of town. Now the hospital? Yeah, that's on the other edge. 

Ffffantastic. 

Luckily the thing on my neck just happened to be a bead of sweat. However, every time my own hair brushed against me or I sweat a bit, I would have a mini panic attack on the ladder and start babbling about death and doom. I also had a case of phantom spider symptom, i.e. nothing was even touching me yet for some reason I could feel them. 

Mr. Spider didn't come alone though. He had a miniture friend who was equally scary regarldess of his small stature. Though what he lacked in size he made up for in hairiness.

Yeah, he's destroying a beetle. What of it? You wanna be next?

Halfway through our 11 hour workday, we stopped by to get a quick snack in cliche diner with the waitress who calls anyone and everyone "sweetheart, sugar, honey, dumpling." I had hoped it would get my mind off of Mr. Spider and Spider McGee

Their menu did the trick.

The thing that concerns me the worst is.. how can a human being possibly consume something that salty in that kind of heat?

We went back to the house, and ended it off on a great note.

A Mr. Spider-y note.

Mr. Spider managed to catch a bee and ate it. He ate another one of human's nemeses. I can only assume he did this to absorb his power. That's probably why he was yellow, black, and white himself. I have discovered a bee-spider. A spee, a beider. 

WHY WOULD YOU EVER WILLINGLY LIVE HERE?!

Legit Cookies

I'm an amazing cook. Truly I am.

I'm considering creating a cookbook so that everyone can enjoy my unique flavors. However, I'm willing to leak a few of my recipes at a time here, only because I love you.

I used to make this thing which I called "toaster cookies." I think I named it this because I put cookie dough.. well.. in a toaster. However, recently I have stepped up to legit cookies.

To make legit cookies you'll need some pre-packaged cookies, Pillsbury, Nestle, anything made in a large factory with absolutely no love and stuffed to the brim with preservatives.

Smush all the cookies together into a cookie blob, making sure not to evenly space them.

It should look something like this;

Then turn the oven on to fiery wrath-o-god heat levels. Shove the tray in and walk away to do something else. Make sure that you are thoroughly distracted, have something blaring loudly so you can ignore that annoying oven beep.

After a few hours remember you were making cookies and walk in your kitchen.

 
If you kitchen looks something like this, you're doing it right.

By the end of the process, your cookies should have a nice, ebony crust, and be undercooked unevenly at random intervals.

Enjoy your cookies.

Florida Groceries Part 1

Really? The giant pictures of a dog on the packaging and the name were somewhat misleading.